You go round and round and you continue to feel terrible. Once again you have been unable to deny something that your boss, your sister, your friend, your neighbor, your daughter or your partner have asked you and you see yourself as a person without decision and with low self- esteem. Why is it so hard for you to refuse to do something you don’t want to do? It’s time to live without fear of saying NO; and without blame.
When to say NO
- When your boss demands that you stay late on Friday, when your best friend asks you to take care of the dog during her vacation, when your daughter demands a mobile phone, when your sister tricks you into taking care of her daughter, when your neighbor calls you to fix a plug or when your boyfriend wants to try a new sexual practice. On these occasions you can say Yes or NO, it depends.
- It depends on the favor they are asking of you and it depends on how good or bad it is for you to do it. It also depends on your desire to do it, your time, your previous plans and even your values. You don’t always have to say NO, but you do have to say NO whenever you want to. And why cannot you?
Why don’t you know how to say NO?
- You cannot say NO because you know that if you do, your anxiety will skyrocket and a series of negative emotions that you have inside will stir up. You are going to start to think that you are a bad person, that the person to whom you are denying something is going to stop loving you or is going to fire you and, above all, you are going to feel guilty.
- Because they have taught us to live pending to please others, to be helpful, to put the needs of others above ours. And you can’t be happy like that, because you are above the entire social pyramid. And saying NO is not going to make you a worse person, if anything it will make you a little happier, more determined, more autonomous, more independent and with better self-esteem.
How to learn to say NO
- You are clear about it, but how do you learn to say NO? You will not be able to do it from one day to the next, that is clear. Practicing assertive communication is one of those social skills that you must acquire if you want to take control of your life, but it is a long-distance race.
- The first thing is that you value the emotional damage that accepting or denying causes you. You know that saying NO is going to fill you with guilt, anxiety and doubts, but is it worth accepting? Because accepting something you don’t want also implies guilt with yourself, because you know you’re not treating yourself as you deserve, because you know you’re not respecting yourself and because every time you say YES when you mean NO your self-esteem drops 10 points.
- It’s only two letters: NO. It shouldn’t be that hard, but it is. So start practicing with easier requests and leave it to your boss for when you get to the expert level of assertiveness.
- The most appropriate response for almost all situations is: “I can’t, I’m sorry, but it sucks. ” Probably the person will continue to insist to convince you, so you have to eliminate the apologies and emphasize the impossibility: “NO, I really can’t do it.”
- At first it will cost you a lot, but little by little you will get used to asserting your priorities over those of others until you consider that this is the natural situation. Your priorities are above. But be careful, do not stay in the denial phase and think that sometimes you also have to dare to say YES.