We all like to feel loved and appreciated. We all like to be liked, to feel that our environment approves of us in some way, but at what cost? If we do it or try to do it at the cost of losing our identity and dedicating ourselves body and soul to meeting the expectations of others, then we are talking about a need for excessive approval that will destroy our self-esteem and our mental health. Believe us, the price of ALWAYS wanting to please everyone is very high.
The need for approval
We live in a society and the opinion of others influences us more than we think. Some people realize and live continuously pressured by a huge slab that has only one goal: to please others. In other people it is less evident and it seems that they act independently, without counting on anyone, but more times than they would like they fall into the game of trying to meet the expectations of others.
It is something natural and healthy to want to be liked by others, to feel loved, to know that we are part of a larger group such as family, friends, yoga classes, hiking group or even the job. And although we always have in mind the idea that not everyone can like us, deep down in us that desire remains. And why am I not going to please everyone?
When the need for approval becomes a problem
- We don’t have to go through life being nasty to others, violently defending our views to demonstrate false self-assurance. The forcefulness in our ideas is not imposed on others, it is only expressed. This is what I think and this is what I communicate to you, you do not have to think the same.
- Between imposing reasoning, ideas, thoughts and desires at all costs and keeping quiet so as not to bother or not to look bad, there is a whole world of emotional imbalance. How many times have you not dared to give an opinion for fear of what they might think of you? How many times have you swallowed your desires for not going against the general opinion? How many times have you let your rights be trampled on so as not to lose the approval of the other person?
- If you imagine these situations and some taken to the extreme, you will be able to see that it is a need for excessive approval that can lead you to lose self-esteem. Your self-esteem depends on the opinion of others and therein lies the fault, because by its own name, self-esteem is only yours. Others and their opinions come later.
- Self-esteem is not the only thing that suffers when with the need for approval. Your whole life becomes a kind of fiction in which you can hardly recognize yourself. You only recognize yourself through others. You do what others expect you to do, you say what others expect you to say, you go where others expect you to go. Aren’t you a puppet?
- You do not see the reality of what is happening, you do not see that you are giving up being yourself to feel loved, appreciated or accepted. And this happens in all walks of life. One day you will find yourself acting against your values or even lying to make your image even closer to what is expected of you. And that’s when cognitive dissonances appear that can lead you to suffer from a major anxiety or depression disorder.
Signs that you always want to please everyone
- This is not a hymn to individuality, because in fact we build part of our identity based on social interactions. However, the other part is ours, the product of our vital and emotional experiences, the product of our own reflections. There are some signs that you are moving away from the part of your identity that is your own and that you are basing your life on others.
- We can start with social networks. What happens when you don’t get the reactions you expected in the form of likes or comments? You worry, you think that they don’t approve of you, that they don’t take you into account and the publication that before seemed most ingenious to you now becomes the most inconvenient.
- You are conversing with someone and expressing your opinion naturally. The other person has a different opinion and that is not bad, it is the magic of diversity. But at that moment your alarm bells go off and you think that by thinking differently, the other person will stop loving or appreciating you. It is then when you soften your opinion and polish it until you arrive at one that is more similar to the other person’s.
- You take criticism badly. You take them as a direct attack and you feel that deep fear of losing the affection of the other person. You often try to throw balls out because you don’t want to face the responsibility of having made a mistake. Do you know that no one is perfect and that we all make mistakes? Do you know that being human is precisely the reason why we feel affection for each other?
- Generally, you don’t express your disagreement, but when you find yourself at a crossroads and have no other choice, you apologize. We insist that the disagreement is part of the positive things of the diversity of opinions.
- What to say NO, does not go with you. You give in, acquiesce, and actually submit to the wishes of others by putting your own needs aside. But your needs are there clamoring to get out and sooner or later, this complacent attitude towards others will cause you significant emotional discomfort.
- You go to bed at night and it takes you a long time to fall asleep because you review all the conversations of the day, you remember your mistakes, you worry about having said this or that, you worry even more about what the other person might think of you. And in reality, everything revolves around the world of speculation because you have no idea what the other person thinks of you.
- Your emotions vary not based on your life experiences, but based on your interactions with others. If today you have not received enough signs of acceptance or affection, you sink, crushing your self-esteem a little more.
- And one of the most terrible consequences of this need for approval. When you have an argument with someone, when someone gets angry with you or in the midst of the usual misunderstandings that arise in any type of relationship, you think that it’s all your fault, that you haven’t done enough to avoid the disagreement and that you don’t deserve it. the appreciation of that person.
- As you can see, having an excessive need for approval completely changes your personality until it leaves your identity underground. But think about one thing, what would happen if you brought your identity to light, if you claimed your rights, if you expressed your wishes, if you dared to give your opinion? What would happen if you showed yourself as you are? We can assure you that authentic people give off magic in abundance to find all the love, appreciation and acceptance they may need.