Mourning the death of a partner: how to heal after the loss of a spouse

The death of a loved one is a complex and painful situation that inevitably confronts us with emotions such as pain, anguish and despair and that forces us to go through a duel. When the person who dies is our partner, it is normal to experience endless emotions and, above all, to feel that the situation is beyond us and that we will never be happy again.

How to face the mourning for the death of the couple? María Ramos (@unmillondepedazos on Instagram), a therapist specializing in grief and who has experienced this experience firsthand, due to the loss of her partner, talks about all of it. Currently, she is dedicated to research to understand death, mourning and accompaniment. María explains some key ideas that can help us when it comes to healing after the loss of a spouse, as is the case with her, or another loved one.

In this article we talk about some of these ideas that can help us to start preparing the loss of someone as important as a partner. At the end of it, you will also find some key ideas to help a person who is in this situation.

Advice from a therapist for coping with grief over the death of a partner

The start of mourning: breathe and drink water

María assures that the best advice she has been given so far, when it comes to mourning the death of her partner, is the following: “breathe and drink lots of water”. This at the beginning of grief is especially important, because the situation is so traumatic that the only thing that helps, at the moment of the initial impact, is to drink a lot of water (especially if we are crying a lot, which dehydrates us) and to try to become aware of the breath

It is a time of great tension and, therefore, we must find moments to practice deep or diaphragmatic breathing. This will relieve us and help us relax our body, even minimally. In this initial stage of mourning, it is not about wanting to achieve great achievements, much less at the beginning; Take the pressure off yourself and try to focus on these two small actions.

Listen and express yourself

• Expressing emotions in mourning is essential to begin to elaborate the loss. So, express how you feel; choose your own way of doing it, the one that makes you feel most comfortable. You have different options: writing, drawing, talking to a professional, talking to family or friends, dancing, crying…
• As María says, “pain, like love, needs to be expressed”. Find your way to do it. It’s about connecting with what you’re feeling and verbalizing, writing or expressing everything you need to get out. let off steam The emotions experienced at this time are many and sometimes some are contradictory or ambivalent.
• It is normal. But he tries to get them out somehow; externalizing them will help you manage the loss and above all to free yourself from the emotional tension of the moment. Remember that nothing you feel right now is right or wrong; don’t judge yourself, feel the emotion, accept it as part of the process and remember that emotions are constantly changing; also in mourning.

Validate your own emotions

1. Validating emotions implies not judging them, looking at them with love and, above all, understanding that they are part of a totally logical, healthy and natural process. For this reason, it is important that, when mourning the death of your partner, you validate your own emotions. They are all fine and being aware of this will help you take the pressure off.
2. Remember that you are in a moment of maximum emotional tension and that it is totally normal to feel different, conflicting things… Also, your brain, especially in the initial moments after the loss, in addition to experiencing endless emotions, is experiencing withdrawal syndrome to the couple
3. This means that its functioning is totally altered and that this alteration is part of the natural process of mourning. Therefore, do not be alarmed by having the feeling that you are going crazy, or losing control, because it is something very natural in a situation of this type.

Don’t push yourself

• Another important idea when grieving the death of a partner is not to put pressure on yourself. Early in the process, you may feel low on energy, physically and mentally exhausted. That is why it does not make much sense to demand more; Sometimes it’s enough to try to focus on the current moment, do the little things of the day, navigate the process. Cry a lot and understand that the pain will also pass.
• Think that, little by little, this whirlwind of emotions that you feel will go down, but that, for this, it is necessary that you do not put pressure on yourself “to be well”. Because mourning also follows its own process and it is he who “sets” the rhythms a bit.

Follow the law of 50%

1. The 50% law has to do with the following: investing half of your time in facing the pain of loss, processing it, feeling the emotions… and the other half, in distracting yourself, looking for small motivations from day to day (although at first, they may seem insignificant things).
2. This will allow you to work through the loss, but without letting the grief drag you down an endless well. So try to find moments for everything: to connect with loss and pain and to connect with other things that still bring you pleasure.
3. Remember that, especially at the beginning, it is normal that nothing excites you, because one is immersed in apathy and anhedonia. But getting active, distracting yourself, even if it’s just doing housework, will help you progressively combat this apathy.

How to Help Someone Whose Partner or Spouse Has Passed Away

María Ramos also talks about how to help someone grieving the death of their partner. And she explains the importance of recognizing that the grief belongs to us, that is, it belongs to the grieving person.

This is important to take into account because it can help us when it comes to accompanying the person who has just suffered such a significant loss, and it is that, although we often try to help with the best intentions, the reality is that any attempt to modify or influencing what the person is feeling is inadvisable.

In this sense, our opinion does not matter. For this reason, we should not try to take that person away from pain, but rather accompany them in it. It is his pain, it is legitimate and he must go through it to face the duel and process the loss. Other things that can help us when helping someone who is going through this process are:

• Listen to the person (never judge what they feel).
• Apply the law of 50% with it (already explained).
• Offer concrete help: for example, make food, do the shopping, take the dog…
• Do not amplify your emotions.
• Be humble (when you don’t know what to do or say, say it; when you’re scared or sad, say it too, etc.).
• Do not push for the person to “be well”.
• Avoid clichés and compliments.
• Do not minimize what you feel.
• Say the name of the deceased person.

As always, if you feel that this situation is beyond you, we recommend that you seek professional help. There are therapists, like María, specialized in grief, who can help you walk this path in an accompanied and sustained way, even if the pain is inevitable.

Remember that mourning is cyclical, that it is normal to have downs, etc., but that it ends with the integration of that loss and with the memory of that person, who will always last within you.