Learning to say no is one of the first things we have to do if we want to improve our self-esteem and our personal development. There are many situations that require no for an answer and most of the time we are incapable of saying it. We immediately feel horrible because we feel used by the person who is asking us for the favor and that weakness makes us value ourselves less. Although there are also men who are incapable of saying no, women are especially sensitive to this problem given our tendency to feel guilty about everything.
Why say ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’
- The truth is that learning to say is not very complicated and requires a great personal effort, but it is convenient to have some clear aspects. We say yes when we want to say no out of fear of feeling rejected and because we have a need to be liked and to feel that others appreciate and respect us. This is important, because you are more likely to earn the respect of others if you know how to say no than if you always agree to requests.
- It is not about denying everything by system and, obviously, you have to be very careful about refusing certain things at work, especially in these times of crisis, but you have to clearly differentiate when you are being abused, be it the boss, your parents, your children, your sisters, your partner or your friends. Remember that when you accept a situation that you do not want just for fear of rejection from others, all you are doing is losing security and confidence in yourself and, in a certain sense, nullifying yourself in social relationships.
- Because saying no doesn’t feel so bad to the listener either, especially if it’s done politely. If you try, you will see how most of the time the other person’s reaction is not rejection or anger, but understanding and acceptance. You just have to try it.
How to say ‘no’
- Doing someone a favor is something that has to come from the heart, so if someone asks you to do something and inside you feel that you don’t want to do it, it’s the right time to say no. You don’t have to say a negative aggressively either, but forcefully. Although it is not necessary to lose education and it is always better with an apology in front of the type “I would love to do it but I can’t”. Giving a brief explanation of why you can’t do the favor makes your refusal more effective, but you don’t need to go on too long.
- One way to look good when we refuse to do a particular favor is to come up with an alternative, such as “I can’t do it today, but you can count on me next week.” That makes the other person keep you in mind while she will respect you more. In any case, do not forget to say your refusal politely, kindly and with a smile.
- But you have to start saying no, because you will gain confidence, security, self-esteem and you will feel better about yourself, in addition to considerably improving your social relationships because you will stop feeling inferior and used.