How many hugs have you repressed? how many kisses have you saved? how many “I love you” have you kept quiet? Some make the excuse that they are shy and others that they are embarrassing, that although they are not the same feeling, they are very similar. In reality, all those things that we stop doing out of shame reflect an excessive fear of the reaction of others. And we agree that overcoming this feeling is very difficult, but if you think about all the things you’ve stopped doing, maybe it’s worth a try. After all, you can only lose one thing: shame.
Why are we ashamed
- We feel ashamed of speaking in public, of screwing up, of our physical appearance, of our behavior, of the behavior of others, of our mistakes… endless reasons that make us feel ashamed and withdraw in our social relationships. Because ultimately, shame appears when we are too aware of others, when we give too much importance to what others think of us and that is a clear sign of low self-esteem.
- Shame is called by some the secret emotion because there are many things that we want to silence or keep hidden from others. And we have all felt shame at some time, but the people who suffer this feeling the most are those who have been educated to follow strict social conventions, something that they end up taking to the extreme and that takes away their self- confidence.
- It is a feeling very close to shyness and a sense of the ridiculous. If we stop to think for a moment, we all know someone who we say has no sense of the ridiculous, who doesn’t care if others think their behavior is inappropriate. And he doesn’t care because he doesn’t abide by the same rules as the others, but by his own.
How to overcome shame
- Going by your own rules of conduct is the key to overcoming shame. Of course we are not talking about legal transgressions, but about social transgressions, where you decide how you live your life and how you behave. Always with respect for others, speak as you want and say what you feel, dress as you like, eat what you want, dance, sing and laugh when you feel like it and above all, do not repress any feeling that comes from the heart.
- In order to remove shame, we must learn to distinguish between those things that we do not do because they do not seem appropriate to us, from those that we do not do because they do not seem appropriate to others. It is about acting according to our conscience, not according to the conscience of others, and for that it will be necessary to strengthen our self-esteem and achieve self-confidence.
- In general, shame is a feeling acquired in childhood, because it is very difficult to eliminate it and, in the most extreme cases, the help of a professional will be needed. But the next time you’re about to hold back, remember that the goal is not to please others, but to like yourself.