Physical violence is the tip of an iceberg that hides many subtler techniques of manipulation and abuse. In fact, many people live in toxic and abusive relationships and live with anxiety and depression disorders without knowing that the cause of their problems is precisely that psychological violence that cannot be clearly seen. On this occasion, we focus attention on the gaslighting technique or when they make you believe that you are completely crazy.
What is gaslighting
- Gaslighting or, translated into Spanish, gaslighting, is a pattern of abuse and emotional manipulation in which the victim ends up believing that she is crazy. The term comes from a play and also a movie called Gaslight in which a man tries to make his wife believe that he has lost his mind in order to keep her fortune. Tactics in fiction go through dimming the gas light and affirming that it continues to shine with the same intensity as before or hiding objects and making the woman believe that it was her doing.
- By now, we already know that reality can be stranger than fiction. The goal of gaslighting is to make you doubt your judgment and your own sanity. It’s a technique used by manipulators, psychopaths, and narcissists, and don’t think it’s rare. Emotional abuse is not always detected on time and most of the time it is hidden under the cloak of emotional disorders that always fall on the victim.
- It should be noted that this gaslighting technique can occur in all types of relationships, in the family, at work or with friends, but it worries us especially in relationships with a partner, a more closed environment that does not allow you to compare reality with anyone from outside.
- And don’t expect them to tell you: “you’re crazy”. Gaslighting is a subtle manipulation and these abusers are in no rush.
Gaslighting Techniques: How Can They Make You Think You’re Crazy?
- They are not going to tell you that you are crazy, but they will surely tell you that you are too sensitive or that you take everything in a tremendous way. It is a way of belittling and detracting from what you feel. When something hurts or you feel bad and you try to talk about it to solve it, the other person devalues your emotions by transferring the problem to you.
- But they won’t start there. It will take a long time for you to realize that you are being gas lighted, especially if it happens within a couple. Because that charming man you’ve met can’t be an emotional manipulator. He presents himself as an affable, communicative, reasonable and even empathetic man. His words are not going to coincide at any point with his actions, but you will realize that later and little by little.
- The person who gaslights lies without any qualms and without caring that you know they are lying. Do you know why he does this? So that you live in uncertainty and fill yourself with insecurity. You know that he has lied to you on several occasions and now you no longer know what part of what he says is true or false. He doesn’t care, he prefers that you stay with the doubt because that favors anxiety. And, above all, because that doubt means that everything that happens to you can be considered relative. You don’t play in a field of certainties, you play in quicksand and the intention is that you can’t get out of there.
How to know if you are a victim of gaslighting
As stated in the article by JM Pozueco and JM Moreno on narcissism and psychological abuse for a Psychology Bulletin, “while physical aggression seems easily delimitable in personal relationships because the sequelae in the victim are observable, the manifestations of psychological abuse (as is the gaslighting technique) are not so obvious for detection”. However, there are certain phrases, situations and feelings that will help you discover that you are being a victim of this type of emotional abuse. Note especially these phrases:
- I did not say that. Are you making a mistake or are you making it up?
- You are too touchy.
- You’ve been wrong more times.
- You are exaggerated.
- You are a manipulator.
- It was just a joke.
But it is not only what he says, but rather what he does. A manipulator who uses gaslighting will project all of his toxic behaviors onto you. He will make you think that you are an irrational person, that you argue without reason, that you do not value him, that you are manipulative, that you are selfish and that you are also lying.
Over time, this relationship, in addition to being abusive, becomes a dependency relationship. Little by little you will lose the ability to decide because, how can you dare to make a decision if you do everything wrong, if you have no criteria or if you are always wrong? But not everything will be negative… From time to time, this abuser will pat you on the back, acknowledging some merit or giving you some value to reaffirm the intermittent relationship, one of lime and another of sand. In the end, you will have doubts about whether that person is a Machiavellian or a victim. The victim is you, remember that for now.
Perhaps the worst part of this emotional abuse or mistreatment is that attempt to make you lose your footing, to make you question your reality, to question yourself, to doubt who you are, what you do, what you say or about you think. And when you get to that point where you find yourself questioning your sanity, when you yourself are so confused by the situation that you think you’re going crazy, that’s when you can start to spot the problem.
Consequences of gaslighting
- It is at that point and not before when you can open your eyes and ask for help. Because until that moment you will have felt discomfort, your intuition will have screamed at you that something is wrong in this relationship, but the subtle whispers of the abuser have silenced those screams.
- By the time you get to that point where you doubt your sanity, the person who gas lighted you will already have emotionally worn you down so much that you will be without psychological resources to get out of there. It will have made you feel guilty, it will have lowered your self-esteem, it will have caused you anxiety problems, it will have led you to depression. All this wrapped in a layer of insecurity, instability and doubts that is an act of emotional terrorism.
- The consequences of gaslighting are tremendous because it is a wear technique that attacks the depths of your being, your essence, your values, your personality. But you can get out of this abusive situation.
How to get out of gaslighting: you are NOT crazy
- Some people can get out of this abusive situation on their own, through their own means or with the help of family and friends, but it is not easy due to the wear and tear that the toxic relationship has caused. For this reason, it is recommended to go to the psychologist with the aim of rebuilding the mental and emotional collapse that living in an abusive relationship has generated for a while.
- A psychologist will help you put things in perspective, not to doubt yourself, to regain your self-confidence, to improve your self-esteem and, especially, to not blame yourself for having lived in an abusive situation. Because it’s not your fault that they abuse you. From now on, you will also have more emotional resources to detect this type of behavior in time.
- And something very important. You are a victim of gaslighting, you are a victim of emotional manipulation and abuse, but don’t stay in that victim position by blaming and gloating because then you will continue to be an easy target for unscrupulous abusers. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you want to get stronger from this hell.