Fear of commitment is the fear some people have of committing to a long-term relationship. This fear can arise when getting married, for example, or starting a family (stronger commitments).
It is a type of fear that can lead a person to abandon relationships when they see that they are getting “serious”, or when the other person demands more commitment. It can generate anxiety and make people unable to maintain lasting relationships.
When we pressure someone with a fear of commitment to commit, what often happens is that they break off the relationship or just leave. That a person is afraid of commitment does not mean that she does not know how to love, it means that the fear she suffers is superior to that love. For these people, the thought of committing overwhelms them.
And you, are you afraid of commitment? Are you the one who is experiencing this feeling that prevents you from building long-term and lasting relationships? Are you afraid of getting married or starting a family? Would you like to know what is hidden behind this fear? We are going to know some of its possible causes.
5 reasons why commitment terrifies you
There are several reasons that would explain why you are afraid of commitment. Many times, fears only “camouflage” or cover up other even deeper fears. Although you can only find the reason within yourself, although here we propose some of the most frequent one’s for you to reflect on:
Affective immaturity
Affective immaturity could explain this fear of commitment. This immaturity can be explained by various reasons: for example, being still very young, or not having lived many experiences on an emotional level (or in life, in general). These reasons could explain why you have not yet developed the necessary tools to deal with certain events or situations.
We must understand that affective immaturity implies the persistence, in adults, of childish behaviors in their psychological organization of personality and in their interpersonal relationships. This can make the person incapable of long-term commitment in their relationships because that implies a modicum of maturity and responsibility.
Fear of losing independence or freedom
- Another of the most frequent causes of this fear of commitment is the fear of losing certain things, such as the feeling of independence or freedom. However, it is something that we can work on by talking about it with our partner, establishing limits and specifying what we understand by a relationship, what areas or habits of our lives we want to preserve, etc.
- On the other hand, we must bear in mind that there are a thousand types of relationships and that ours does not have to be based on dependency, much less have to limit our freedom.
- They made us believe that each one of us is half of an orange, and that life only makes sense when we find the other half. They didn’t tell us that we are born whole, that no one in life deserves to carry on their backs the responsibility of completing what we lack.
-John Lennon-
Fear of losing control of our lives
- People who have built themselves, who have lived independently for many years, who have had to face many things alone… may, upon meeting someone important in their life, present this fear of losing their freedom, but also the control of your life.
- It is something quite reasonable to understand, and perhaps it is your case; However, in these cases, you must understand the difference between wanting independence very much and being afraid of commitment. Thus, there are people who, it is not that they are afraid of commitment, but that they like their independence too much and do not want to change it for something else.
- And it is also legal. But if the second thing happens to you, if you are really terrified of falling in love and forming a stable relationship, getting married or even starting a family, even though it is something you would like, we encourage you to work on your deepest fears so that they do not limit you.
Fear of losing yourself
- Another possible cause of this fear of commitment, related in turn to other fears already mentioned, is the fear of losing oneself. Perhaps due to the fact that you have lived through past experiences where this has happened (for example, being in very dependent relationships, where you have felt that your identity was based on that of the other person and little by little you have been losing your individuality), you have ended up developing fear of commitment
- And it is also understandable. Everything we are and what we do happens for something and many times that “something” is found in our life story. However, this fear of losing yourself is often irrational, since not all relationships that we will experience throughout life will be of the same type.
- If you really want to commit, but there is an even deeper fear that prevents you, we encourage you to work it; Psychological therapy can be a good option in these cases.
Fear of responsibilities
- Especially if we talk about getting married or starting a family, it is clear that the commitment is even greater than if we “simply” started a formal relationship. In the first cases, the associated responsibilities are also greater and there are people who do not want these responsibilities (either because of emotional immaturity, because they want to preserve their current life without “ties”, because they have not found the person to commit to, etc.).
- Perhaps you do not want to have children, for whatever reasons, and it is legal. Perhaps you had never imagined getting married (and it is not about fear, but that it is something that you are not excited about). As we have seen before, you must find out if it is fear or that it is something that simply does not call you, you do not feel like living. Everything is legal, but we should always be honest with our partners if we see that they ask for or need something different from ours.
Find out what your fear really is
- What hides behind the fear of committing? As we have seen, sometimes even much deeper fears are hidden. And it is that it can happen -and it happens- that what we have experienced is influencing us (for example, having committed ourselves in the past and that they have failed us, can make us afraid to do so today).
- Therefore, we encourage you to discover your true fear; Is it really the fear of having a “serious” relationship, of getting married or starting a family? Or is it a fear of losing freedom? To lose everything that you have built independently, on an emotional level?
- Keep in mind that relationships can be based on non-dependence and that you can keep many things that you consider important in your life (such as freedom), even while in a relationship. It’s all a matter of discussing what you need with your partner and “negotiating” what you both need.
- Is it really scary? Another thing is that it is not about fear, but simply that you do not feel like committing yourself or you do not find the person with whom you feel it is worth doing it. They are different things and you should do a little introspection on yourself to find out what you want, what you need and if there is some kind of internal emotional block (or fear) that is interfering with what you really want.
“Fear is not always bad, sometimes it works as a warning.”