All human emotions fulfill a certain function. It is clear that there are emotions that generate very negative sensations, discomfort, discomfort… and that there are emotions that are much more bearable, even pleasant, such as joy, excitement or fascination. 
Regrets are one of the first; they cause us discomfort and anguish, but they are there for a reason. And that they are there for a reason does not mean that we should accept that we will always have them, or resign ourselves to them. Not at all! It means that we have to accept that they will be there for a while, but that we can work on them. How to deal with regrets and guilt?
Is there any way to be able to live without regrets? In this article we talk about some key ideas that will allow us to face this emotion so that little by little it disappears. But first, we must understand what regrets are and why they arise.
What are regrets?
- Remorse is defined as “that feeling of guilt that a person has for something they have done and that makes them uneasy.” We can feel remorse for multiple reasons, although they all share a common element: harm to a third person.
- This damage, in turn, we could have caused in many ways: through lies, deceit, deception… Or even by doing nothing. And it is that we can also feel remorse for the actions that we have not done and that we feel that we “should” have done.
- Different feelings and emotions are mixed in remorse: anger for having done things “wrong” (or in a certain way, of which we are currently not proud), sadness for having harmed someone we loved, disappointment with ourselves, guilt, fear of never stopping feeling like this…
Can you live without regrets?
- Regrets, like all emotions, do their job. They are there for a reason. And in the same way, just as they come, they can leave, although many times this requires significant personal work. Can you stop feeling remorse over time, spontaneously? Yes, time helps, although it is also important to “do something” with what we feel and what happens to us.
- Taking responsibility for our actions and gradually becoming aware of them, knowing what led us to act in that way and, above all, accepting that, probably, there was no other way to act (or if there was, at that moment we could not carry it out, for whatever reasons).
- On the other hand, the truth is that psychological therapy is necessary in many cases and it can also help us; On the one hand, it accelerates that healing process, of forgiveness towards oneself. On the other, it gives us the necessary keys to leave behind that action we did, abandon guilt and little by little change it for responsibility.
How to deal with regrets?
We leave you 4 key ideas to deal with regrets and not allow this emotion to dominate our lives. Remember: to deal with them, the first step will be to allow yourself to feel them, but without wallowing in that emotion and without establishing yourself in victimhood.
Analyze what led you to act that way
The first step that can help you deal with your regrets has to do with becoming aware of them. And for this, you must analyze what led you to act the way you did (that action that today causes you discomfort and a feeling of guilt).
It is not so much about analyzing in detail what we did “wrong”, but about looking at that situation with compassion and understanding. The objective, in reality, is to understand what led us to act in that way to also understand that, probably, we could not have acted otherwise.
Perhaps due to immaturity, ignorance, lack of skills… And if we could have acted differently and we didn’t, being able to begin to forgive ourselves for it, for our mistake.
Practice self-compassion
- Self-pity involves feeling sorry for yourself; it consists of “extending compassion to oneself in cases of insufficiency, failure or general suffering”. Feeling sorry for yourself is not the same as victimizing yourself; When we victimize ourselves, we do not take responsibility for our actions, for our mistakes, but quite the opposite: we believe that everything depended on others, and that we could not do anything to change the situation.
- Being a victim implies wallowing in that initial self-pity; Instead, feeling sorry for yourself involves looking at yourself with love and understanding, taking care of ourselves, and above all, allowing ourselves to feel whatever we feel. Taking responsibility for what we have done but freeing ourselves little by little from guilt, which only destroys.
- Therefore, another exercise that can help you when it comes to overcoming your regrets is to practice self-compassion. Relativize what you did, don’t beat yourself up about it; try to observe it from a kinder, more compassionate look. Who has not been wrong at some time in his life? Even hundreds of them. And that’s why you think those people are bad? right not?
Allow yourself to feel those regrets
- Do you think you will stop feeling remorse for “forcing” yourself not to feel them? Or rather, that these will go away if you allow yourself to feel that emotion?
- Let’s think of a metaphor to explain how we can deal with this or other “negative” emotions in a healthy way. Let’s imagine that remorse (or another emotion, such as fear or sadness) is a wave of the sea that comes towards us.
- If we try to avoid the wave, run away from it, most likely it will end up destroying us sooner or later. The key? Learn to surf that wave. And for that we must allow the wave to arrive. So allow yourself to feel this regret, this guilt. She closes her eyes; listen to your body, understand why this emotion that bothers you so much is there. Don’t judge yourself for feeling it. Just like the wave, it will end up passing, even if its passage hurts.
Use what you have learned to avoid repeating the same mistakes
Although it sounds like a cliché, there is a positive part in all the mistakes we make: that we can learn from them. In fact, mistakes serve us precisely for this reason, so as not to make them again. To learn to act differently in the future.
Without them, you couldn’t act in a different way, learn in a different way (although it’s hard for us to believe, they were surely necessary). Therefore, learning to use the knowledge of what you did not do well in your day can also help you reduce that feeling of guilt that you now feel.
Remorse: a common emotion
We have all felt remorse at some point in our lives (even in many of them). Sometimes that remorse arises from an unconscious need to “compensate” for the harm we have caused; It is as if, by feeling that burden, by “punishing” ourselves, we are repairing or compensating for what we have done wrong.
But in reality, things don’t work exactly like that. And yes, we feel remorseful for a reason, and it’s important to identify it. But we must not stop there. We must accept what happened to us and understand that it is already part of our past, of our history.
The importance of forgiving yourself: one last exercise
- We encourage you to put into practice some of the ideas proposed in this article; and after that, one last step that can help you heal is to write a letter to yourself forgiving yourself.
- Forgiveness is an honest act that allows us to repair and heal. Forgiving ourselves is not an easy task, although it is necessary to stop whipping ourselves for what we did not do well in our day.
Write that letter from compassion and love, expressing everything you feel, whatever it is: anger, anger, sadness… No filters, no taboos. But at the end of it all, in the letter, forgive yourself. And now yes: read it and start letting go.
- “Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it opens the doors to the future.”
- -Anonymous-