When we communicate with people, we can do it in many different ways. From aggressiveness (saying everything without a filter and without taking into account the feelings of others), from passivity (without setting limits and without expressing our opinions) or from assertiveness.
In the latter case, we are talking about saying things clearly and sincerely, defending our rights, but taking into account the rights and feelings of others. Searching (and finding) this midpoint between aggressiveness and passivity is not easy, but it is something that can be trained and improved.
In this article we will learn what it means to be assertive, what assertive people are like, and how we can develop our assertiveness to improve our interpersonal relationships.
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express one’s own opinions, emotions and feelings clearly and honestly, but without hurting the feelings of others or jeopardizing their rights. It also implies defending one’s own rights and setting limits when considered necessary, always appropriately.
Assertiveness does not imply ceasing to be oneself, quite the contrary; Be yourself and express what you think but in a respectful way. It is, in turn, a communicative style; At the opposite poles of assertiveness we find passivity and aggressiveness.
Characteristics of assertive people
Assertiveness influences social interactions and the bonds we establish with others. It is a communication tool that connects us with people and allows us to be ourselves, gain security and foster healthy bonds.
But what does it mean to be assertive, really? How are assertive people? We leave you some of its characteristics:
- They are able to express their opinions freely.
- They empathize with others and use that empathy to communicate better.
- They are able to set limits and say “no” (and do not feel bad about it).
- Use clear, direct and respectful language.
- They are honest people during their social interactions.
- They take care of their language and do not hurt the feelings of others with it.
- They are able to express their needs and their rights without being disrespectful.
How to develop assertiveness? 8 effective techniques
How can we find the middle ground, between aggressiveness and passivity, and develop assertiveness? We leave you some tips to start working on it:
Start with low-risk situations
If it is difficult for you to be assertive, because all your life, in your interactions, you have tended to manifest one of the opposite poles (aggressiveness or passivity), you can start with something small. In situations of low risk for you, that do not involve a great confrontation.
An example to start being assertive would be: if the waiter made a mistake in your order and brought you a coffee with milk instead of a black coffee, let him know and ask him to bring you what you had ordered.
Use simple and direct language
To be assertive, you don’t need to use big phrases or big justifications for your actions. Just try to say things clearly, simply and directly. For example, if they ask you why you don’t want to go to the party, you can simply answer that you don’t feel like it, and that maybe another day you will. You don’t need to come up with big “justifications” or answers; make it easy
Do not apologize for a wish or a need
Sometimes we tend to apologize “for everything”, or even for feeling something or wanting something. Thus, often these apologies are given for things that we have not really done wrong, or that did not depend on us. Leave this type of apology behind: validate your emotions, it’s okay what you feel.
If this happens to you, try to leave this habit behind. Apologize when you really mean it and feel like you should. Assertiveness also has to do with this, with the ability to detect when we have to “open up” and when not.
Accompany your speech with your body language and your voice
Assertiveness is a communicative style that is formed through words (what we say), but also through gestures, tone of voice, body posture… (what we do not say). So, when you say things, do it accompanied by your body language and your voice; that all these elements are coherent with each other.
This will help you gain confidence and security, because what you will say will be consistent with how you express it, and the message will gain strength. For example, if we say that we don’t feel like something but that we would be delighted to be invited next time (because we really feel that way), we can express that decline of the invitation with a smile and a gesture of thanks.
Defend “your” truth
Another key idea to develop assertiveness is the following: try to defend “your” truth, not “the” truth. What do we mean by this? That it is not about trying to communicate what we believe is best for the other, what is more valid or true…
Through assertiveness, it is about expressing what we feel, honestly and transparently. Sometimes, we will feel things that we don’t understand, or that “shock” us, and that’s okay. But being assertive also implies learning to distinguish the right moment to say what we think; choose that moment well.
Leave behind the ambiguities
Assertive people, as we indicated, use clear, direct and simple language. Therefore, an idea that can help you develop assertiveness is to leave ambiguities behind. Many times, we go to them to justify ourselves, for fear of hurting, to avoid certain issues or conflicts…
But they often make it difficult for the recipient to understand the message and can also lead to misunderstandings. Therefore, try to be clear in your interventions; Being clear does not mean saying everything without a filter, but rather learning to choose the right words to convey the message in a transparent but understandable way.
Know your interests, explore your way of being
In other words: know yourself. This will help you develop assertiveness, because being assertive involves expressing what we feel and think. And to get there, we will have to know well what our points of view of things are.
It is evident that it is not necessary to have everything super clear, but getting to know each other better can help us gain confidence because what we will say will begin to make sense to us. And from there, we can start working on how we say it.
Focus on the facts and not on the judgments
- Being assertive also means not judging; value reality from our point of view, but without entering into value or moral judgments. For this reason, when developing this communicative style, it is important to express what we think, but based on facts, on realities, not on judgments.
- For example, if they show us a piece of writing and they ask us our opinion, it is better for us to say “your text has spelling mistakes” (fact) than “your text is botched”, or “your text is really wrong” (judgment). Therein lies the difference between judgment and fact or reality.
- These are some ideas to start developing assertiveness, although each one must find their own way to promote it. The idea is to start working on it with small daily actions, to end up developing this communicative style more automatically.
- Being assertive allows us to bond in a healthier way and, above all, to be ourselves without fear. Also, remember that the relationships we establish with others also influence our self-esteem and even our internal dialogue.
- That is why we also encourage you to tell yourself what you feel without judging yourself, validating your emotions and welcoming them. This is also being assertive.
- “If you want to be respected by others, the best thing is to respect yourself. Just because of that, just because of the self-respect you have for yourself, you will inspire others to respect you.”-Fedor Dostoevsky-