How is your social life? Perhaps apart from a few coffees with your co-workers you have only one friend, a best friend, a very special friend and with that person it is enough for you and you have more than enough to cover the social sphere. Maybe you have an unhealthy attachment to that friend because you feel terrible when he makes other plans without you. Maybe you spend your life waiting for me to call you to go out for a drink. Maybe you love him so much (as a friend) that you don’t need anyone else in this life. And then maybe you’re emotionally dependent on your friend and it’s a problem that needs to be fixed. In this article we tell you how to do it.
What is emotional dependency
- When we talk about emotional dependency, we almost always relate it to the couple, but dependency can also occur in other spheres, such as family or friendship. In fact, it is not uncommon to establish a friendship with someone and that over time it becomes a toxic, addictive and possessive relationship.
- Bornstein, quoted in Estefanía Hernández García’s Final Degree Project on dependent relationships for the University of La Laguna (Tenerife, Spain) defines emotional dependence as “a need for protection and support, where the existing trust in the relationship is an essential element that influences a person’s self-esteem, identity, and general functioning.”
- Emotional dependence implies, therefore, need, it is an unhealthy attachment in which almost permanent contact with the other person is needed, constant attention and exclusivity. That need ends up creating toxic ties in which the dependent person pressures and overwhelms her friend for not receiving that torrent of attention that the other person needs.
- Do you think it’s happening to you? Your best friend is the most important person in your life, but there is something else. Your whole life revolves around him and you feel jealous when that friend tells you that he has done something without you, that he has other friends that you don’t know, or that he goes on vacation without you. And then you start to obsess because he doesn’t give you all the attention you need.
How to detect that you have emotional dependence on your friend
- If you want to know if it’s happening to you, start by identifying that ongoing discomfort you have. Your emotional state is not good and you don’t quite know why. But you do know that there is a person around whom your life revolves, a person on whom your moods, your security, your self-esteem depends: your friend.
- Emotional dependence on a friend shows in the jealousy you feel when they do something with other people, go to the movies, have a few drinks or go on a trip.
- Another sign of emotional dependency is obsession. You spend all day thinking about your friend and it’s not because you like him or because you want to have something more with him. You think about the conversations you’ve had or wonder what he’s doing right now.
- Overseeing your friend’s life is a very obvious sign of dependency. He annoys you that he doesn’t answer your WhatsApp immediately and you make movies thinking that he doesn’t love you anymore.
- You try to adapt to their life, their tastes, their interests. It is the need to be accepted by that person and you think that if you think differently they will not love you. Are you intuiting self-esteem problems here?
- Your friend is your priority, you put him before the rest of your friends, your family and, what is worse, yourself. Have you ever canceled a date with someone because your friend called you at the last minute?
- Your happiness and your state of mind depend on your friend. When you feel loved and cared for by him, you don’t need anything else or anyone else in your life, you feel full and happy. But the sadness and anguish arrive at the same moment in which you realize that this attention is not exclusive to you.
- You are terrified of losing your friend, so you try to please them. You always agree with him; you always agree to his plans regardless of what you would like to do. And what’s worse, that fear of losing him makes you control everything he does in his life.
Why do you have emotional dependence on your friend?
- If you feel identified with any of these signs or situations, it is because the relationship you have with your friend is not exactly healthy. You have lost your emotional independence and you may wonder why this is happening to you. Because also, it is most likely that anxiety has dominated your life, that this friendship relationship generates so much anxiety that it has already spilled over into other areas such as work or family.
- And what about your social relationships? Do you have other friends or have you left them behind for this person? And what about your family? Are you afraid of loneliness? And the most important question, where is your individuality, your independence, your personality?
- This is not the time to blame yourself, but to take action and get out of that dependency. As? Maybe you need help, maybe you need to go to a psychologist to understand the causes of that dependency. But, fundamentally, it is a problem of self-esteem and that is where you have to do the most work.
How to stop being emotionally dependent on your friend
- We say that you may have to ask for help because it is not easy to get out of a relationship of emotional dependency. And getting out of that dependency relationship does not mean that you have to break the friendship with your friend, but rather lead the relationship in a healthier way. But you have a lot of work to do.
- It is essential to improve self-esteem. It is true that this is something you can do on your own, but a psychologist will help you better understand the origin of your self-esteem problems.
- The fear of loneliness is at the origin of these dependency relationships, so you will have to learn to enjoy the benefits of loneliness, which it has. It’s time to start doing things by yourself, without counting on anyone.
- Take care of your social relationships or expand your social circle so as not to bet all your well-being on the same person. Remember that the most intense bet you should make in this life is for yourself.
- Do different things, change your routines, sign up for a course or the gym. Travel alone, do you dare? Frequent new places or attend to new interests. That will help your mind not be obsessed with a single person.
- It is important to do an introspection exercise to get to know yourself better. And continuing with the theme of self-esteem, once you know yourself thoroughly, you will also have to love and accept yourself.
- As an adult person that you are, you are responsible for your life, for your happiness. Make decisions, that’s what really gives you freedom and maturity. You don’t need to forget everyone else, but you do need to act on your own, taking only your opinion into account.
- Emotional dependence is a major problem and is often related to anxiety disorders and depression. So it is worth taking care of mental health as well as you take care of physical health. Because when you recover your emotional autonomy and independence, you will feel stronger, more capable, more powerful and happier.