There is a lot of talk about emotional intelligence, but do we know what it really is? How do we know if we have it? There are many authors who, especially from psychology, have tried to describe what emotional intelligence is. 
The first to talk about it was the psychologist Daniel Goleman, with his book “Emotional Intelligence” (1995). Goleman defines it as ” the ability to recognize our own feelings and those of others, to motivate ourselves and to manage relationships properly “. Much has also been said about its components. Some of the most cited are:
- The ability to identify one’s own emotions and those of others.
- Self-esteem.
- Emotional management.
- The capacity for self-motivation.
- The ability to relate properly.
But how do we know that we have emotional intelligence? What do you think would be the signs that you have low emotional intelligence? In this article we talk about some of the most important, which will allow you to focus on what you may need to work on to better manage your emotions.
Signs that your emotional intelligence is low
You have trouble identifying emotions
This is extrapolated to one’s own emotions and those of others. One of the components of emotional intelligence is the identification of emotions; For this reason, if it is difficult for you to identify what you feel at any moment or to differentiate emotions, both yours and others, you could have emotional intelligence difficulties. Do not forget that being able to describe emotions, or if not, “label” them, is the first step to understanding them, and emotional understanding is essential for good emotional management.
You lose your temper easily
Emotional management involves managing emotions properly, that is, giving them their space, their place, and understanding them without completely overwhelming us. This includes managing all kinds of emotions, both positive and negative (or rather, pleasant and unpleasant).
So, if nerves, tension or anxiety overwhelm you and lead you to commit acts that do not make you feel good or that you are not proud of (for example, losing your temper), perhaps it is time to work on this management emotional.
You find it difficult to put yourself in the place of others
This capacity alludes to the famous empathy, an essential component of emotional intelligence. Thus, empathy allows us to put ourselves in the place of the other, feel what they feel and from there, understand it.
For this reason, one of the signs that you have low emotional intelligence is a lack of empathy, which is evident in situations such as: being unable to listen to others carefully, never understanding the emotions of our friends, having difficulties imagining what they can be feeling etc.
You stress easily
Stress management is also a skill of people with emotional intelligence. Let’s not forget that stress affects our emotions and our thoughts and that this has a lot to do with mental health.
Therefore, if you feel that you do not know how to manage stress, that it has a negative impact on your state of mind and energy, on your thoughts, on your behaviors… This would be another sign that you have little emotional intelligence.
“It’s not stress that makes us fall, but the way we respond to stressful events.”
-Wayde Goodall-
Often feel resentment
Resentment is a natural emotion that we feel when someone hurts us or fails us. However, it is an emotion that can be very harmful, especially if it becomes chronic over time. If, in addition, you feel it on a recurring basis, this may be indicating that you need to work on your emotional intelligence.
Because? Because it also entails properly managing negative emotions towards others and being able to forgive and accept the things that happen to us. Remember that forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, but giving yourself the opportunity to start healing.
You blame others for everything
- Emotional intelligence also has to do with taking responsibility for our lives, our decisions and their repercussions, etc. Therefore, constantly holding others responsible for our mistakes or our actions could be another sign that you have low emotional intelligence.
- In addition, it is quite childish behavior, since it is very typical of children. However, as adults, we have to begin to be able to discriminate what depends on us and what doesn’t, what we have done wrong and what not, etc. And above all, take responsibility for it.
- “We are dangerous when we are not aware of our responsibility for how we behave, think and feel.”
- -Marshall B. Rosenberg-
You are easily offended
- We all have the right to be sensitive, and that’s okay! However, when everything offends us, when we feel that everything, absolutely everything, is being said towards us (and against us), even the slightest harmless comment, then perhaps it is time to work on our emotional intelligence.
- And this point has a lot to do with personal security and self-esteem; When we have good self-esteem, things can affect us, yes, but we are capable of not giving too much importance to the things that others say about us.
- Because? Because we are sure of ourselves. If you start to minimize the importance of the opinion of others, it will be easier for you not to feel offended by comments that do not even refer to you
You have difficulty being assertive
- As we saw in the introduction, assertiveness is another component of emotional intelligence. This is defined as the ability to say “no”, to set limits and, above all, to say what we really think without being disrespectful or offending, in a clear, sincere and honest way.
- When we are assertive, we express our opinions, desires, feelings… in an appropriate way, without shouting and, above all, respecting the rights of others. If we are not, we are either passive (never saying what we think) or aggressive (saying the wrong thing, disrespecting the other).
- So, a sign that we enjoy emotional intelligence is to situate ourselves in the “middle” point between these two communicative styles (passivity and aggressiveness) and that is assertiveness.
You are very rigid
- Rigidity is a pattern of behavior and thought that implies difficulties in making the mind flexible and, above all, in adapting to changes. It also entails a difficulty to open the gaze, that is, to take into account new perspectives when assessing situations or problems.
- In general, people with good emotional intelligence are flexible, and this helps them better understand people (especially people who are very different from them) and better handle novel situations in the emotional field. Therefore, if you are very rigid, this could be one of the signs that you have low emotional intelligence.
Final Thought on Emotional Intelligence
- Surely there are more signs that could indicate low or no emotional intelligence, although those listed are some of the most obvious or prominent. After reading them… do you think you have little or a lot of emotional intelligence?
- Do you think you are capable of understanding your emotions and managing them well? Be that as it may, what is clear is that emotional intelligence is a set of abilities that concern emotions and also our self-concept and self-esteem.
- These skills can be built over time and go beyond oneself because they have an impact on our behavior towards others and therefore on our personal relationships.