When Christmas arrives, absences hurt more, losses hurt more, especially if it is a recent loss. Due to everything, the spirit that surrounds the Christmas season, pain intensifies on these dates and can complicate overcoming grief. Sadness, nostalgia, memories and the obligation to smile come together so that you can experience the most difficult Christmases. But we do have some guidelines for coping with the loss of a loved one at Christmas. Don’t give up on happiness.
How to overcome the loss of a loved one at Christmas time?
Someone in your family has recently died and this is the first Christmas you have spent without that person. The pain is still there and it worsens every time a street lights up with Christmas lights at the thought that this Christmas is no longer with you. How to deal with the loss of a loved one at Christmas?
Don’t deny yourself the pain
It is tempting to make the effort to pretend that everything is fine in front of others. But not everything is going well, you are missing someone, there is an absence that hurts and surely the whole family will hurt the same. Cry if you feel like crying, recognize the anguish and also the fear that the arrival of Christmas gives you in these circumstances.
Don’t give up on Christmas
Many families decide to give up celebrating Christmas because they are immersed in a grieving process. You can do it, but it is not the healthiest thing to do, especially if there are children at home whose pain due to loss does not prevent them from maintaining the Christmas illusion. Adults have a lot to learn from the little ones. However, everything will depend on the circumstances: sometimes it can be counterproductive to celebrate them if it is very recent.
Remember the absence naturally
Celebrating Christmas does not mean that you have to act as if nothing had happened. There is an important absence at that family table and a healthy exercise is to remember all together that person who has left. Tell the funniest anecdotes or the most notable episodes of your life. The memory may make you cry, but it is a specific exercise. A good time to do it is when you all sit down at the table, yes, without forcing it but without avoiding it. You must let it appear naturally, since it will be when everyone feels ready and no one feels pushed to do it at the right time.
Tribute to loved one
If you want to somehow share these dates with the person who is no longer there, you can put a photo or a personal memory of them on the Christmas tree. So you will feel that he is with you at all times. If seeing his image is still too hard for you, or someone in the family, you can light a candle, or place some flowers that symbolize his presence and your affection, in a special place in the room.
New Christmas rituals
This Christmas is going to be different, it is evident. So you can introduce new rituals into the celebration. This means that you should not follow the family tradition to the letter so that the surprise factor will make you divert your attention, at least for a moment, from that painful absence.
Let yourself enjoy Christmas
You are sad about the loss of a loved one, it is true and it is very normal. During the duel there is a quite permanent state of sadness or depression for a while, and it can be counterproductive if it is understood as a demand to be well. Things like “be strong” or “you have to be well soon” make grieving very difficult.
In mourning there are often emotions that are opposed to sadness. Sometimes, during the deep underlying pain, pleasant moments, laughter or even joy appear. This can make us feel guilty. Allow it to happen, it is natural that we continue to feel the positive things that life offers us, and it does not mean that you did not love your loved one enough or that you are going to forget him.
Mourning at Christmas: to celebrate or not to celebrate the holidays?
- We speak in any case of the recent loss of a loved one. It is the first Christmas that you are going to spend without that person and here everything depends on how each person manages the duel because there is no manual with instructions to overcome that loss correctly. The first thing a family considers when there has been a recent death is whether or not to celebrate Christmas.
- It depends on each person, it depends on the circumstances of the loss, and it also depends on how long ago that person died. If the loss occurs a few days before Christmas, it is possible that no one is in the mood for a celebration. And it may be that even though a few months have passed, you don’t feel like celebrating anything this year, but what about the others?
- Christmas is a family party and everyone must be taken into account, those who are there and those who are not. If your grief is leaving you without strength, you can also think of yourself. But see if maybe you can push the pain away a bit to share moments of joy and happiness with those who are. Especially for the little ones, because leaving them without Christmas may not be the best idea.
- But as we say, there are no rules that say this is right or this is wrong. How the death of a family member is handled is something very personal and whatever you do about this Christmas, it will be fine.
How do you celebrate a Christmas with absences?
- We have already given some guidelines to spend this Christmas that is marked by the loss of a loved one. But there are more aspects to take into account and we return to the children, to the smallest of the house.
It is important to do everything possible so that children continue to maintain that Christmas illusion despite the sadness prevailing in the house. We insist on the subject of sadness, because when you lose an important person it is normal to be sad. And it’s not about hiding that sadness by pretending that we don’t care about the absence so that the children can enjoy it. - If we do that, we would be sending the wrong message to the little ones. The person who has died was important to everyone and that is why we are sad, but life goes on and you should not feel guilty for recovering hope and joy. As we have already mentioned, a tribute to the absent person will make children aware that they are living an atypical Christmas, but Christmas nonetheless.
- The decision to celebrate Christmas in the middle of a duel can cause more than one conflict between adults. Some will agree and some will not. Empathy and respect are imposed for each particular way of managing grief and some person may not have enough courage to sit at the table for Christmas Eve dinner or to toast the New Year.
- You will have to prepare yourself emotionally so that the typical Christmas emotions are joined by the contradiction. We are here celebrating times of love and reunion charged with nostalgia and with a pang of guilt. In addition, each person in the family will have a different and respectable attitude, but do you know what the essence of Christmas also consists of? In support, in care, in empathy.
- Not celebrating Christmas at all is respectable, because as we told you a few lines above it will depend on each circumstance, because sometimes it is better not to do it because the family members cannot yet digest the situation and it could overwhelm them. But, what if you celebrate this Christmas in a different house than usual? What if you all meet in another place and vary the traditional menu or the rituals to which you are used to?
- But in any case, do not try to avoid grief for the person you have lost. It is not mandatory to be happy at Christmas and even less in these circumstances, but perhaps from this sad situation you can extract an important lesson: that in the midst of the most poignant pain there is also a space reserved for illusion.